Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Where my head is at…

Honestly, I am not too sure of myself and the life that I am currently leading as of late. I have been hoping that we would be “back on our feet” by now… After all, it has been over a year since The Hubby lost his job.

It is not the case.

We are constantly struggling month to month to try to keep things a float. At first, I thought we were doing a pretty decent job of juggling things. I've even been able to work on craft projects such as a wedding gift for D’Lovely and her man as well as homemade invitations for Cinnamon’s upcoming bridal shower.

However, apparently I was just fooling myself, another financial burden just revealed itself. It shouldn’t have been a surprise… I simply forgot about it. I guess I was mentally hiding it from myself.

Self-delusion is never a good thing.

Frankly, I am not sure what to do. My bag of tricks is nearly empty and we are no way closer to being stable than we were before.

I’m finding it hard to concentrate at work… or anything for that matter. It bothers me that I ... no, we... have this problem and I can’t solve it. So my thoughts are constantly running through possible solutions (such as finding a second job to bring in extra cash, to find a better paying first job) to daydreams (such as receiving an unknown inheritance falls into our laps… or we win the lottery).

I know that money doesn’t solve all … but it can certainly solve a lot.

My thoughts also turn to dwelling on the past and our decisions that we’ve made. I keep telling myself that hindsight is always 20/20 to try to move on from these useless thoughts. That appears to becoming harder and harder as well.

Staying positive is a role that I play in our marriage (and in other relationships). I try to remain strong and positive to show that we can work through any problems that life throws our way. The Hubby tends to get down relatively easily when we have a major issues. Perhaps I am naïve or conceited, but in times in the past, I think I helped us get through various tough spots by remaining positive and showing that the adage “This too shall pass” is true! I am having an extremely hard time staying positive. It is simply that I don’t see a “light at the end of the tunnel” anymore.

Honestly, I am not sure why I am revealing this in such a public format. I guess this blog is the closest thing that I have to what one would consider a diary. Some thoughts are easier to express in writing than verbally.

Perhaps now, I will at least be able to concentrate somewhat on other things for a little while.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hugs. Hugs. More Hugs. If I can help, let me know...

Sometimes getting it out takes some of the weight off your shoulders. You're not alone doll.

And perhaps I'm biased, but I would agree that you're very good at being positive and finding that light at the end of the tunnel. You'll find it. Or maybe this time, someone will show it to you.