Thursday, July 15, 2010

A little bit awkward…

I must admit that I am feeling a bit awkward in writing on here today. I guess I was being a bit naïve about it. In my head, I knew that anyone would have the ability to read my thoughts or opinions entries (even if only a few). However, I truly believed that my reader(s) consists mostly my blog-reading friends and the occasional individual who is just trolling.

That belief bubble was popped a couple of weeks ago. I received a message through my facebook account from a person I haven’t talked to in 14 years. In the message, the person mentioned that he read my blog… and not only read the recent postings but apparently read the older ones too. I was caught completely off guard from hearing from this person. I thought I had lost this person completely from my life… our lives… when communication ceased a few months after my mother/his wife passing. So many feelings just started running through my head … old and painful feelings of my mother’s passing and the events that followed. I also felt relief to know that he was still alive and a little bit happy that he had reached out. I honestly thought that he wanted to forget that we were in his life.

I didn’t respond right away to the message. I used the excuse of going away for a lake house weekend retreat as a viable reason (if only in my head) not to respond right away… I needed to decide whether I wanted to “open a door or heck … a small window” in my current life for this person… I needed to decide whether to let my siblings know that he had contacted me… but if I am going to be completely honest, I must admit that a small part of the reason is that I wanted to make him sweat it out a little.

After the long weekend, I did reply back. And, now I wait…. It has been almost 2 weeks since I’ve replied back. I’ve heard nothing… and I am slowly coming to terms with that. I’ve been happy that I had decided to wait before telling my siblings. After all, why should I expose them to this emotional turmoil that I’ve been experiencing? During the day, it has been somewhat easy to push my feelings to the backburner for I have been so busy getting the bridal shower ready for my friend or working at this busy time at my job. However, the feelings of doubt, etc seem to crawl and slither into my consciousness during those few minutes before fall asleep or after waking up in the morning. I’m not sure how I am going to be once this shower happens and this busy time at work passes. Time will only tell.

I also realize that I haven’t written on here during this time period too. Again, I thought that I was simply too busy to do so… but that’s not the truth. The truth is that this blog is another window to my life (a very small hole but a hole nonetheless). I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue with this or not.

This morning, I decided that I do … at least for now. I am just not so naïve about the concept of it as I once was.