Dear reader(s),

I would like to offer my apologies for my absence. It has been quite a couple of weeks for me. I’m finding it a bit difficult in getting back into the swing of things.

The Hubby and I were on our way to our annual trek to Potsdam, NY when I received the dreaded phone call that my grandfather has passed away. It was strange at first. I really didn’t seem to have much of a reaction. I called my sister to make sure that she knew. I even called my brother to make sure that he knew and whether he had a place for us to crash. We continue to drive north on our way to "Cinnamon’s" house. The Little One was still singing and enthusiastically reminding us that she was on her way to a slumber part at "Cinnamon’s" house. I finally broke down into silent tears in the car. It seems silly now but I didn’t want to upset my daughter’s happy ecstatic mood. She was literally skipping through her daycare when we went to pick her up for her weekend excursion.

I knew that the days ahead were going to be hard. I guess in an effort to postpone it more I decided that we will continue on our trip and let the Little One stay the weekend with "Cinnamon". During the weekend activities, I tried to keep it to myself for I didn’t want a bunch of sympathy well wishes. I also didn’t want to dampen the weekend for anyone. As you can imagine, I wasn’t quite myself. I either kept quiet to myself or try to overcompensate with joking around/talking.

We picked up the Little One on Sunday, stopped at the house to repack our clothes and made the trek back to my hometown. It was good to see everyone. It is a real shame that I do not get to see a lot of people unless it is for a funeral, wedding, or Thanksgiving. (I really need to make an effort to make more trips back in hopes that my daughter gets to know my family and vice versa.) My cousins helped me out by filling in the names with the somewhat familiar visitors during viewing hours. It is amazing how much a person can change. The Little One actually helped some people to recognize me for she looks a lot like how I used to look at her age. In fact she noticed the similarities, for at one point, she pointed out that I looked like her but with brown glasses while looking at some of the old photos they had posted around the funeral home.

As I described in the post on February 4th, I really wanted to remember grandpa as the man he was. It was a bit hard for they did have an open casket. I couldn’t make myself to go up to it. The Hubby as well as some of my other relatives offered to go up with me… but I just couldn’t. Unfortunately, I still have an image in my head for I couldn’t avoid looking at him even at a distance.

Needless to say, we are back home. This is the first full week of “normalcy” around the household. Although, I miss my family dearly, I am glad to be back home.

I think I am in trouble…

...when the Little One hits her teenage years.


Lately, I have been finding it difficult to keep frustration / anger in check when it comes with the Little One. Trust me! I know that I’ve been absolutely blessed with a wonderful daughter. It still amazes me that The Hubby and I created such a great child!

As all two year olds (soon to be 3 year olds) tend to do, she has really been testing our/her limits. In my head, I understand this. I do! However, at certain moments, I tend to ignore this intellectually…. It is as if I turned a were-mom for a brief moment… and question why the Little One is just not getting it!?!?! After all, she is such a brilliant child, right? (insert some grumbling … perhaps minor cursing… and minor hand shaking in the air)

Of course, I do catch myself… and take a mental step back before I go ape-shit crazy. After all, I don’t want my daughter (or any future children) to grow up in an abusive house. (So, please go ahead and put the phone down before you call child services. Thank you!)

I’m just not sure what I am going to do when the Little One is going on 13 rather than 3!

Remembering the man that he was…

Not the man that he is today.

I made a difficult … and selfish… decision this week.

My grandfather is not doing well at all. You see he was admitted into the hospital about a week or so ago due to dementia. It just became too much for my grandma to handle by herself. The medication was not working anymore. Unfortunately, during that week, things turned for the worse physically for him. On this past Monday, I had learned that my grandfather was given only a couple of days to live.

He was a strong, hard-working man. He owned his own business for a number of years. Although, he was rather close-minded on some aspects of my life (such as marrying a man of another race), he kept most of his opinions to himself so that we would still have a connection.

I remember going on camping trips with my grandparents. I remember going to farm shows with my dad and grandpa. I remember riding my big wheels and/or my bicycle up and down his driveway. I also remember him purposely moving his dentures around in his mouth to gross out us kids but claim innocence when we approached our dad or grandma about it. He was always there while I was growing up for my siblings and me.

I live a little bit away from my hometown so I guess I was fortunate that I did not have to see the day to day decline of my grandfather. It was easy to ignore the fact it was happening.

Due to the “Snow-polocypse”(aka “SnOMG”), I wasn’t able to immediately leave to return home. With the help of “Cinnamon”, I secured a hotel room in the hometown to visit this weekend.

I cancelled it this morning. I can’t seem grandpa this way. He is not himself anymore. I can not see him sick in a hospital bed. I do not want to be left with those images and memories in my head. It is a completely selfish decision but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Someone mentions that those memories fade… but they don’t. They just get mixed in with the others. I know this for I experience it with my mom’s death… for I still see the images of the pictures of her open casket funeral in my mind. I know that my step-father’s family meant well in sending me pictures of a funeral that I couldn’t personal be at (she was cremated and her remains were sent north to me.) So, I am not mad at them for sending them because of their good intentions… but every time those images flash into my mind… I wish I didn’t open that unmarked envelope.

I don’t want to have to do that for my grandfather. I cannot willingly tarnish the memories that I have in this way.